England has been in turmoil. And it’s clear that these illegal acts of law-breaking were criminal, against the law, not legal, and wrong.

At some point during many of the country’s worst-written blogs over this last week, all of Britain was quite literally burning. Fortunately, the heroic efforts of London’s 2,499 remaining journalists turning up to write heartfelt pieces of reportage and have a photo of themselves taken holding a broom have got us through the worst.

The people that did this are inhuman animal scum – and it’s our duty to expend millions of words trying to understand their motivations as fully as possible. Cuts which haven’t happened yet were probably to blame, along with skin colour (white or black), certain types of popular music, over-privilege, under-privilege, boredom, group-think, excess individualism, David Cameron, Tony Blair, absent or present or single or double or poor or rich parents, global economics, and the traumatic forthcoming closure of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Love Never Dies.

We need to talk to these people – and to tell them loud and clear that the law-abiding majority has nothing to say to them. That’s the only language we’ll understand.

So-called “new media” services evidently play a key role in the day-to-day acts of so-called “young people,” whose phones and social networks it is now a public duty for us to tap. This public good might best be served by harnessing the services of recently-unemployed journalists, private investigators, chief executives, etc.

Emphatic, single-sentence paragraphs may also help us to feel stronger and more decisive.

Above all, it’s vital that we know as soon as possible who the goodies and the baddies are, and whether the liberal or the authoritarian view of society is more out-of-touch with the unprecedented horrors of the world-in-breakdown that is the nightmare of modern Britain. Asking people to wear different coloured hats might be a good start.